The Night Watchman

As the Pavilion Cup moves towards its pointy end there are some intriguing contests in store. One such match pits twice runnersup Ayatollah of rockenrollah against the Pakistani champions Hasraz. What follows is a preview of the match including a profile of the two managers, their main players and the match itself.

The managers:

Heffner: Also known as the ayatollah he is one of those enterprising individuals who can turn dust to gold with their touch. Hailing from the quaint NZ mountain town of thiwegutfiusdgfvildgvlidfgvliuvgidagvidavgwweffsdgdf (which translates as “this is the name of a town, no  $^$^$#g story behind this and no!!!! there is no reference to any part of the human anatomy in this name”) this latter day Midas surprisingly started his professional career as a heavy weight wrestler.  Bald and ursine, in a previous job in his youth he had to wear a bear costume to entertain the children at the local mall but had been dismissed after he took his role a little “too seriously” with a couple of kids he later described as
those fu …. (ah well that is from his unauthorized memoirs so highly unreliable) and according to his authorized autobiography “slighlty spoilt” (please find attached a special savings coupon to buy this enlightening masterpiece for half the price and also get 3 months free subscription of the Muffner magazine) .  Fortunately during this little episode he was spotted by a scout of the local wrestling league and impressed by his skills : “i heard women screaming and turned around to see this big bear executing a perfect clothesline despite the short height of his opponent” he offered him a contract. Barely contained by his new costume, this bulging giant grew a beard, learnt a few words of arabic and made his grand
debut as “the ayatollah”. Highly talented, unfortunately, he entered the industry at a time when wrestling for guys with his appearance comprise of : howling twice, once at the start at the kids (and he really enjoyed this) and once in pain at the end, uttering a few unintelligible curses at the audience and then picking up the fatter of the two checks after the game. During a career spanning two decades he rarely won anything of note but amassed a sizable fortune. This he later utilized to launch a magazine in partnership with his best friend Muff (another extremely  interesting character, this allegedly hirsute recluse is famous for his adamant refusal to be seen in public and many a papparazi have lost their minds in the quest for a single shot ….. but i digress) . Known for its high standards of journalism and … well hmmm…..unmatched photography the Muffner magazine swiftly became an unprecedented success story and granted heffner a status seldom attained by a publisher. When the famous Australian billionaire and former media mogul Sir Ash Packer decided to take a break from his new found interest in sheeps - i.e sheep farming (all those other lurid stories are false or at least unsubstantiated) - and launch his own cricket league Heffner acquired a franchise and the rest is history.

Hasraz: as singularly uninteresting and undistinguished as his opponent is colorful this guy has been one of the most amazing success stories in the game. starting as a lowly sight screen operator he soon made his way up the ladder through his sheer determination and intelligence. Presently, besides managing his club he is also the brains behind the new T20 FTP leagues. Bespectacled and scholarly,and intensely moodi (sic: as described by his players) at times he looks like a lowly office clerk but has some of the most amazing ideas stored below his shock of thinning black hair: he has been credited with ingenious innovations like blue balls,dancing umpires and the abandonment of uniforms in favor of unique costumes for every player. I caught up with him at one of the league matches:”This last one alone has increased FTP revenues by 50%, did you see how fast mcshane bowled in that new full body swimming costume… and still have to ask currie about that tuxedo” but when i made a suggestion about some limits to this rule and mentioned the kaden musa incident,he replied with a smile “well ahem… we all know Roy has problems… for some reason he had a feeling of dejavu and thought he was back at the GABBA. kaden is recovering well
and should be back in a week, in time for this week’s costume auction. But while we are on the subject that was some loincloth that roy was wearing. I think we will do the jungle theme again in one of the semifinals”. And then before i could ask him another question his gleaming new mobile phone rang and he  walked off talking animatedly, all i could hear was:
ye…. shilp…… shahru…..riders…. yeah we will make the game more enjoyable….
akhter… balls……..hahahaha…..

The teams:

The teams are both known for their cricketing prowess in their respective countries, Ayatollah are the season 7 NZ SOD champs and twice runnersup in the PC while hasraz have won the Pakistan SOD title thrice in five seasons. Both teams have some explosive players who can singlehandedly win any match on their day.

Players to watch:

Peter Hosking: this giant of a man is a friend of the ayatollah’s from his wrestling days. a devastating batsman and a hulking presence behind the stumps he divides opinions as equally as his immaculately center parted hair. some like his legendary compatriot darren guthrie bristle at the slighest mention of the guy with the most fiery moustache in the game. “that @#$%#$% %^*&*%$%, he is no cricketer, he …”
according to informed sources this animosity dates back to the day when the ravens won the SOD title and a euphoric and intoxicated guthrie caught up with the king and tried to do what he had earlier attempted with william whitney (some sources claim he  committed the sacrilege of tugging the king’s facial hair) unfortunately for  this “reknowned reverse swinging” speedster this time he had the wrong target in mind and by the time his inebriated teammates realized that his screams werent celebratory in nature the king had ensured that  he missed at least half of next season. A press release by the ravens claimed that he had
slipped and fell on the wet dressing room floor. Another FTP legend, the octogenarian spinner Bo thambi starts (or at least whatever stands for starting at his age) whenever hosking’s name is mentioned. apparently an encounter with the former left him as bent as a bo. A visibly beaming Hosking later remarked” theyre right when they say there is little difference between kids and old people” A few like his best friend john booth cant stop (literally) singing his praises…. “pe..t..e…. is… my b..est friend”, when asked about hosking’s aggression he replied ” pe…te is…my…..b…est fr…iend”  this reporter decided not to
be too inquisitive and took his word for it after further inquiries were met with equally diplomatic replies(i had a bus to catch, dont see how the moron takes all those wickets, jack make sure this doesnt get into the final print like last time when you forgot to replace the e with an a in sir packer’s surname)

Christian Cage: The highest run getter this season and the highest paid player in his club he claims to be the lost brother of a famous thespian from hollywood and has solidifed this claim with his perofrmances from last season where he might as well have played the matches from his home. There are claims that heffner and hosking later had a meeting with him where they asked him to give up his fascination with finding hidden patterns in his scores (his scores read 0,0,0,0,0,0)  from the season or they will take the same numbers off from the right side of his paycheck.Since then he has performed remarkably well and has also refrained from his previous bizzare antics like looking for secret passageways in the palace
of wisdom and tearing down heffners desk for some ancient map.

Mohammad Jamil: This portly father of six is a retired policeman who took up cricket at the unlikely age of 32. Assigned as security for the visiting Kiwi team, he was asked to bowl a few balls at the batsmen of the two teams after the bowlers collectively went on strike against the recent rule of bowling speed limits of 60kph to make the game “more interesting for spectators”. Jamil impressed all and sundry with his impressive bowling after he dismissed 6 promising Pakistani opening batsmen, 6 former captains and the entire kiwi top order with his lethal 54 kph swingers. He was immediately drafted into the pakistani team but finding the income insufficient to support the modest lifestyle he maintained during his earlier
career he signed up with FTP and has become one of the most successful bowlers in the game.

The Ground:

Palace of Wisdom
Located in the back of Heffner’s mansion adjoining the swimming pool (which heffner has benevolently made available to all his Muffner staff and his guests), the palace can seat over 16000 people. It is expected that Heffner will use the home advantage and go with an uneven pitch to assist his seamers. When asked about the pitch, rival captain anjum mohammad said “It will not be easy for us, the weather is expected to be hot and humid so we will have to keep an eye on those swimmers (his english is not very good so we assume he meant seamers) but we have watched a lot of their videos and read about them in magazines (cricinfo, he later elaborated) so we have them all figured out”
Prediction:
The Ayatollah with the home advantage should be a tough nut to crack for the visitors. An uneven pitch coupled with his battery of experienced seamers in front of the fiercely partysan crowds that inhabit the palace should be enough to unnerve the visitors.